I am amazed at the little things I get so hung up on as a mother. Zane's long fingernails drove me crazy for a few weeks. I have been so used to grooming him that I had a hard time letting go and letting him take care of his body. No, he may not groom himself as often as I would. But that is how he is learning. I just ask him to clean them periodically and not to use them as weapons. I took a few deep breaths and let it go. It was freeing for both of us. There have been many other issues, some minute, others enormous. The biggest battle we have had (and this has been ongoing for years), is weapons -- especially guns. I know violence is part of our human lives. Although I am not always a political pacifist, I am a pacifist in my personal, daily life. I don't like to surround myself with violent images. I don't like violent people. I especially hate violence toward children. So, when Zane at three years old starting shooting everything, I naturally felt like I needed to dissuade him from doing so. I refused to buy him a gun and I told him not to aim his stick and Lego guns at people. He picked up on the word "kill" at a young age and used it indiscriminately. It eventually became the "K" word in our house. Don't say the k word. (I never realized how often we use this word..."kills the germs that cause bad breath," "the Cowboys are going to get killed on Sunday"...) It all seems so futile and ridiculous now. One day at the zoo, we rode the train in front of a child that brought his toy rifle with him. Zane turned around and stared at that rifle in awe. He had never seen a gun quite like it before. He kept asking, "what is THAT?" He asked it over and over again, until the little boy's parents got uncomfortable and a little embarrassed. Later, when Zane was 4, he wanted to play shooting games in the backyard. I only consented if we pretended it was a traquilizer gun and we were shooting injured animals to help them -- like we had seen on Animal Planet. Eventually Caleb got older and also became interested in guns. I tried to avoid all violence on TV and video games. I asked Ian not to play violent games or watch violent shows in front of the boys. Every time Zane would see a show like a super hero cartoon with fighting. He would spend days acting it out and playing violent games. To me, there was a direct correlation between watching a violent show and then playing shooting and fighting games afterward. This furthered my resolve to ban violent shows -- at least until he was old enough to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I understand now that a) he was just playing. He didn't hurt anyone during his play. As his mother, I know his heart is golden. (He cried for such a long time when a baby frog that he caught died). And b) any time that he used violent words when he was angry was more likely a reaction from controlling, authoritative parenting. He was reacting to his environment in a way that made him feel powerful, because he didn't feel like he had any power or control in his life. Books that I have read that helped me come to this understanding include, "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn, "Killing Monsters" by Gerard Jones, "Natural Learning Rhythms" by Josette and Sambhava Luvmour, and anything by John Holt.
These days my boys spend hours playing violent fantasy games. They love to do their version of martial arts fighting competitions on the trampoline. I guess I will never understand why they want to play this way, but I will not stand in their way. I do, however, encourage them to work out their disagreements in nonviolent ways when the fighting turns real. They recently bought some lightsabers with their own money. And I let them pick out some toy guns at the thrift shop the other day. They played with them for about a week. Now they are at the bottom of a toy basket in their room. I think my insistence on nonviolent play in the past only made guns and words like "kill" more powerful and desirable. I have to admit, I am more at peace now that I have let go so much control. There's a lesson for my inner pacifist! Fighting to keep them from fighting only made more tension.
